Not to be confused with the very dramatic and dark writings of Edgar Allen Poe- although those dark musings and references to wine, black birds and touches of madness have always been mysteriously alluring. . especially when I’m listening to Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds (perfect complement to the intense lyrics and piano of No More Shall We Part) . . . this pendulum is a tool that I use often and feel rather than physically hold.
The pendulum swings in my own life- as a method of decision making and listening to what my intuition has to say. I’m not the best at hearing (or rather really listening to) those voices from deep inside. . . even though I can go on and on about the importance of listening to your “gut” until I’m cerulean in the face. Laziness, lack of time and motivation, or simply fear of really looking inside and hearing the answers?? Pushing responsibility for my life in any direction other than back to me??
Either way it happens, I find myself in turmoil of the emotional sort rather than caught up in “human drama” as a friend of mine so wonderfully put it. . . mine is also more of the solitary inner drama. It can remain something I struggle with alone, or it can begin to affect others when I lash out in frustration and a bit of self-loathing (due to the frustration of perceived inability to make the aforementioned decisions). . . and so it becomes confusing to those around me- this peaceful and mellow girl suddently turns snappy and edgey. . . impatient and cutting with her words- when really it’s just the frustration and maybe a bit of panic turned outward because I’ve refused to give it a healthy outlet.
But this tool. . . using your body as a pendulum for making decisions and listening to what is truly in accordance with our inner self. . . is something I’ve been returning to as of late. It can be used for something as seemingly simple as walking through the market and wondering what foods might be the best to consume right now- if I center and ask, my body tells me (if someone’s with you, the muscle test works well) by moving in the direction I know means yes or no. Or I use it for what I might call major life decisions, silly little thoughts about what I might do today and even a clue to what role people who have entered my life might have.
It works in the morning when you’re making lists (one of my addictions, and as I’ve recently twittered-YES, I’m addicted to addictions!), when shopping, planning, working, beginning to prepare a meal, before making a phone call; anything that may be causing stress or frustration due to the perceived inability to make a decision. We often seem to want to throw our hands up, push the decision entirely off on others, releasing our sense of responsibility for whatever happens (good or bad) and thinking it would just be so much easier if someone else would simply tell us what to do. I feel this wholeheartedly about many things in my life, and yet I’m also one of the most stubborn people I know and detest being told what to do (is it any wonder people tend to become a bit confused around me?!) so needless to say, this creates quite a lot of the back and forth drama- enough to drive a girl crazy.
Here’s what I do: I check in once in awhile to make sure the way my body communicates hasn’t changed but basically- by taking a breath to quickly center, and asking “Is my name Jenny?”. . . my body will move in a direction for yes. I ask a question for which I know the answer is no- inserting someone else’s name for instance and my body will move in the opposite direction and from there I can ask any yes or no question. . . taking a few breaths and shaking my energy out to center between each one. I’ve read that a lot of people rock forward for yes and backward for no, but of course I’m the opposite (it’s an admitted character trait of mine- good or bad- to always be different). . . a yes answer means my body leans back and a no answer tips me forward.
Simple.
This isn’t used to avoid the responsibility of making decisions, it’s instead a way of double-checking them, and making sure my choices and activities are aligned with my true self (and also acknowledging that my true self is there and I haven’t forgotten and/or stifled her voice), and it takes away some of the stress that comes with making those decisions- “did i do the right thing?”, etc. Often there is no black and white definite RIGHT or WRONG decision. . . so the simple act of making that choice is the “right” decision in itself. You choose and accept and then move on. . . life is not meant to be put on hold while we hem and haw over these questions. There are no wrong choices. They’re all a part of our journey and I think how we react to them builds more of our life than the actual end result.
Just now, I heard loud honking and looking out the window of this late September morning, a flock of geese flew overhead and I realized that like the inner compass within every goose, there is a similar intuitive and instinctual quality to our decision making, if we learn to simply get out of our own ways and listen to that ancient wisdom.
This morning I’m sure there are pressing decisions to be made and I’ll get to them. . . but for now I’m craving mulberries for breakfast (another one of my addictions lately). . . but feel like I may be eating too many of them. . . Center, ask, and my body rocks slightly backwards. . . I grin and decide that a small handful would be entirely perfect.
And so it is. . .
8 comments
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September 25, 2008 at 12:43 pm
shannonmarie
I hope that whatever conflicts you’re struggling with at the moment will be resolved soon. It sounds like you’ve found a way to make the right decisions. I’ll have to try the method sometime.
It seems I’m addicted to addictions, too. Maybe it’s due to my overly dramatic personality. It makes life more interesting.
So, where is your compass pointed this weekend. You could head down to DC for the Java Green GITMR meetup. I’d love to see you there, but I understand if you can’t make it.
September 25, 2008 at 1:19 pm
wyldegirl
I heard about that event. . . and I’m SO very tempted to come down but it’s not the responsible and financially viable decision this weekend!!
Soon. . . very soon I promise.
Your foot must be mended then? And Jacob’s in school, so what fills your days other than work?
xoxo
September 27, 2008 at 1:26 pm
kate b
I do love reading your Blog…. it is so beautifully written & always inspires me…
thank you
September 30, 2008 at 6:43 pm
shannonmarie
I just realized again why you need Disqus on this site. I can’t comment directly back. But, that’s okay. I know you’ll figure it out.
Missed you at the event, but I did make mention of you (all good). I understand why you were unable to come. Sometimes those are the same reasons I don’t make it up there. At least we have e-mail for now.
The foot is still healing from the sprain/break/nerve damage. I showed off my big protective boot and crutches at the event, although I ditched the crutches from time to time. I have another month until my next follow up.
I’m back to work on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and yes, Jacob is back in school. Although I am off the other two days, I’m finding myself taking a lot of time to do just the simple things around the house like getting myself ready and basic cleaning. When Jacob gets home a little after 3 p.m., I help him with his homework and prepping for the next day. It’s not the most glamorous life, but I’m grateful for what I have.
September 30, 2008 at 6:47 pm
wyldegirl
unfortunately disqus doesn’t work with wordpress. . . i’ve already tried and then nagged Dhru to help me and he found that out. . . i considered going back to my old blog, but i think i really do like this one so much better.
email me darling girl. . . if that’s easier and then we can chat without everyone else reading it too. . . xoxo
October 2, 2008 at 10:33 pm
Michelle
Hey Jenny,
How are you girl?? I just wanted to tell you how much i love this post of yours!! Just exactly what i needed to read at this exact moment!! So, thanks for that! In an indirect way, you have helped another human being!!!
Also, i love this:
The pendulum swings in my own life- as a method of decision making and listening to what my intuition has to say. I’m not the best at hearing (or rather really listening to) those voices from deep inside. . . even though I can go on and on about the importance of listening to your “gut” until I’m cerulean in the face.
cerulean in the face!!! Classic!!
Michelle
October 8, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Neeta
jenny, i took a long break from blogging and internet, emerging slowly now, back in london…..
just wanted to pass by your lovely new blog and say hello 🙂
lots of love,
x neeta
November 2, 2008 at 11:08 pm
Kelly
Jenny-
Wow, I don’t ever feel these emotions from you. I do see you as a girl who is very able to follow her gut and get the most from your life-as demonstrated by all of your life adventures and incredible knowledge and you’re not even 30!
Here’s a thought-I think it’s the time of year, really I do. I become restless, unable to make decisions, and the self-loathing thing comes out too. Our bodies don’t quite know what to do with the slowing down and hibernation because we’re not used to ‘not doing’ and somehow it feels wrong. Anyway, I know these wonderful people in my family who have super ideas on how to combat these things, right?!? The meditation and yoga combo is amazing-add in a little sunlight, craniosacral therapy and long walks and perspective seems to come along-ahhhh.
Love ya,
Kelly